Because Oregon is the creepy, smelly, basement to Washington I have realized that maybe I have not expressed the things that are really wrong with Washington's downstairs neighbor.
Things Oregon Does Wrong:
Brews
"Micros. Macros. And the shit in between. Oregon has them all. Best part is they're all good. Slurp, slurp. Herp, herp. Derp, derp. Drink the Oregon brewskies...they always go down smooth. *sip* Ahhh...that's some refreshing drank." - ShavedGolf. All these brews means lots more drunk driving be it in cars or on bikes and people in a perpetual state of almost drunkenness. Hence the reason no one likes an Oregon driver.
Geography
Oregon has no consistency in geography. Although I could say the same for Washington but at least in Washington we have the common decency to be ashamed of it. High deserts and snowy mountains be damned we know that any normal state should be one or the other and not try and cater to the whims of every person.
Strip Clubs
Portland contains the most strip clubs per capita. Not that I have anything wrong with the objectification of women as sex objects but enough is enough. I mean how many strip clubs do you need?
Major League Sports
Some would say that having two major sports franchises is a good thing but little does Oregon realize that Washington could soon be home to 5, that's right 5, major sports franchises. Oregon has basketball and soccer. Washington already has football, soccer, and baseball. Now the teams may not be good but we already have one up on them. So I think maybe Oregon should just sit down and relax while Washington paves the way for awesomeness in major league sports.
Casinos
They don't have enough casinos. How can you have a state with so few casinos. I love the fact that I can drive past more then 10 casinos on my way to work in the morning and I couldn't imagine living somewhere that that is not possible.
Things They Need To Work On:
Education
Education is something no one does right and I really can't hold this against Oregon. As much as I would like to blame all our education woes on the state of Oregon I know that this is not possible. At least until all the evidence is compiled.
Hipsters
"These people are the result of education pillaging. OK. Maybe not. But they fuggin' seem like it. Put down the PBR and the American Spirits. Instagram isn't that cool. And for God's sake, take a fucking shower. The lack of motivation scares me. Perhaps it's the jaded perspective of a forward thinking, white collar drone. But more likely, hipsters suck." ShavedGolf. My friend over at ShavedGolf Story Time couldn't have said it any better. Hipsters are even worse when they grow up and move to Seattle to start families.
Infrastructure
Bridges. Not only does Portland have a billion bridges but they have the I-5 bridge connecting them with Washington. I don't care how many bridges Oregon has they can build bridges all over the place for all I care but if they would just get rid of the ones crossing the Columbia River I think I would sleep a little easier at night.
Taxes
Oregon needs to get with the program and get a fucking sales tax already. Not only do they need a sales tax but they need to stop sending their people to Washington to get tax-free supplies. When will Oregon realize that they are the laughing stock of the Pacific Northwest and get a sales tax.
Oregon, I hate you and I hope to all that is holy that we don't have another 153 years of this shit.
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