Pardon My Absence

When I moved the first thing I did was buy a new router for our house as our Internet connection kept fizzing out. It worked and everyone rejoiced in our newly working Internet. Our joy would be short lived.

Earlier this week, Tuesday to be exact, our Internet stopped working. Even with the new router this would happen on occasion and we had learned to live with it. I thought that given a few hours and a hard reset of the router and modem would bring everything back to harmonious Internet wonderfulness. This was not the case.

After a hard reset and three days of no connection we are still without Internet. I know what you are asking, how are you posting this now? We trekked out of the house to a local Wi-Fi hot spot.

The problem with a wi-fi hot spot is that I can't enjoy the Internet in the same way. hot spots don't like it when you sit in your underwear. They really don't like it when you whip it out while watching some porn. Now that I think about it I should just go to the King Public Library.

The Answers To Your Questions

Dear Customers,

What does it look like is happening to our store? I know maybe we just haven't gotten any shipment because of the weather. This is odd as all the other stores in the mall are still getting shipment. Maybe our shipment comes from some foreign country that has been having a a military coup and all our inventory is being held hostage by the rebels. This would make sense in a daytime drama about a group of people that work at a store in the mall and the writers have run out of ideas. This is not the case with our store, we are closing this location.

Could we be going out of business? This is completely possible in the sort of economic environment the country has been in the past few years. That would be my first guess if I was just walking by the store and saw the empty walls and minuscule amount of inventory. It's sad and who wants a store to go out of business? Not me that's why it's not as sad as you think. We are just closing this location and The Children's Place as a company is still going to be open.

What about the price. Is that $5.99? Why yes it is $5.99. everything is $5.99 except the hats which are $1.99. This is what I say to all of you when you ask so how do you think it makes me feel when you ask over and over again how much something is. I know it's my job to answer your questions and help you with your needs but I am a bit upset about our store closing.

Are you moving the store or relocating? Why yes I am relocating to the Southcenter store but I feel like that is none of your business. Our store is not moving anywhere and not all of us have the opportunity to transfer. I am not as sad and upset as others since I am moving to a new location but how do you think the others that aren't feel?

So dear customers shut the fuck up and let us wallow in our sadness.

Icemageddon

Dear Western Washington,

I am glad I am not you. Not because I am relaxing on a warm tropical beach right now and not in Western Washington but because you are all wimps.

I braved the snow yesterday not once but twice and made it out both times alive and well without any incident. Yes the snow was tough to get through and I would have much rather sat at home watching television but someone in my house had to go to work. I Went and I conquered the shit out the snow at the Tacoma Mall. Yes we closed early and I went back home with my tail between my legs, not in defeat but to stay warm. Then later in the day after being home for a few hours we decided that the snow was not going to make us it's bitch and went out for a nice evening of pool and Big Buck Safari. Not only did I Kick some Kudu ass I had a fun time watching the six televisions and the numerous games of pool.

Snow - 0, Nick & Company - 2

Today I woke up early and I showered and I got ready for the trek to the "office". I put on gloves and a hat and all sorts of other warm gear and started the chiseling the inch of ice off of the car. I had the car on defrost and was using some de-icing spray and still the ice had me bested. So I stepped it up a notch and used my Thu'um of Fire Breath and de-iced the shit out of that car. After shouting the ice off of my car I took a seat in the drivers seat about to drive away into wonderful Tacoma Mall bliss when the radio announced the Tacoma Mall was closed. So I trekked back inside and had myself some wonderful Pancake breakfast. I then realized I had carbonated soda inside my car and I needed to get it out before it exploded everywhere and got everything all gross like. So I went out and proceeded to kick the ice off of my car (I apologize at this point if you thought the original car was mine and are confused by this last statement. The car I originally de-iced was my fiances car and therefore not mine). I managed to get the door open and the trunk cleaned off enough to get all the soda out but in the process I broke off my antenna all the way.

Soon after trekking back inside from my little soda adventure I got a phone call from work. Apparently the mall had opened today and someone was needed asap. I jumped into my jeans and was soon on my way to the mall. I did not slide once and I crushed the shit out of that ice like I was driving a steamroller over toothpaste tubes. I worked the whole day and was hesitant to make my way outside after we closed up shop for the day. I trekked to the car and found the ice to by pitiful in comparison to what I had encountered earlier in the day. Soon I was on my way to Fred Meyer where I purchased numerous flashlights and batteries, diet soda, spinach, and pineapple juice (Fun Fact: Pineapples grow on the ground not in trees as you would assume). After making my purchases I laughed as I watched others skid and slide on the icy ground as I expertly skated my way back to the car and home to blissful freedom.

Ice - 1 (for the antenna), Nick - 4

Censorship

**THIS POST HAS BEEN REDACTED DUE TO GOVERNMENT CENSORSHIP**

Dear Readers,

Today Congress and the Senate are debating about two bills, PIPA and SOPA, both bills have the potential to create a world where the Internet is no longer the amazing thing we have grown to love and appreciate.

The bills have been written and sent to both the house and the senate to fight Internet piracy. I am a huge supporter of fighting piracy in all walks of life. I don't like it when people illegally download music and movies. I think that artists, writers, and the others involved should be paid for the work they have done. I don't think they need to be paid as much but that is a conversation for another day. So when people download movies and music from the Internet without paying for it I get upset. So in a way I want to support both SOPA and PIPA, but as a censorship conscious American I know it is the wrong choice to support these bills.

Now both bills leave the policing to the companies and organizations that has copyrights being infringed on. This means that most likely not every site that has questionable stuff on it is going to be shut down but it also means that any site with anything potentially questionable could be shut down for good. That means that my blog if I accidentally posted something that someone doesn't like I could be reported to X company and they could get me shut down. I know you don't care about that but I kind of do.

I know that there are no Senators or Congressmen reading this but I know that some of their constituents are and you have the power to say something. I have no real worry about these bills as Google and Wikipedia are opposed to this bill but that doesn't stop us from also making our voices heard as well. Make Congress aware that SOPA and PIPA are not what the American people want.

Fallout: Snowpocalypse

It's that time of year again folks. Time for the common folk to put on ten jackets, stomp there way to their cars, and then drive like crazy fucking maniacs to get where ever they go. Don't get me wrong snow sucks and I hate driving in it as much as the next person but I at least have the common decency to realize that the driving conditions are not the most ideal.

Here is the problem with the Pacific Northwest and the snow. Our snow is usually only about 3-4 inches but then something amazing happens, it gets warm again. This warmth causes the snow to do something that you may not be familiar with, it melts. Then it gets cold again because the sun goes down and guess what happens to the melting snow? It freezes.

This whole situation causes all sorts of trouble with getting into your car in the morning and people don't think they need so much extra time to unfreeze their doors. So they try to leave only a few minutes earlier then they are running late so they try to drive like they would on any other day when they are running late not realizing that the same thing that happened to the snow on their car happened to the snow on the road. This in turn causes them to skid. Since skidding is not a normal driving condition they try to over-correct and slam on the brakes. Their car flips. Catches on fire and BAM! 12 car pile-up.

Good news, there is no longer any ice or snow around the melting car and driving conditions seem really great as you inch by. Bad news, everyone in those 12 cars is either dead or slowing dying from flames or exposure. The firetrucks and police officers will do everything in their power to save as many lives as they can but they will only be successful with a few. After it is all over and the cars have been cleaned off the road and the dead have been claimed by their families we will ask ourselves how it happened. We will tell everyone to be more cautious while driving in the snow but that is not what we should be saying. We should be telling everyone to get up half an hour early and make sure they have plenty of time to get to work.

So children we now know that if you are to avoid something as horrible as this situation you should think twice before you cut someone off on an icy road. That's right I am talking to you White Cadillac.

Breathe Right Now

I have a nasal problem. I snore and when I snore it is noisy and annoying, or so I am told. So in the interest of relieving my fiance of my evil snoring demons we got some Breathe Right strips.

I was under the impression that these strips worked through some sort of magic. Like I was attaching small wizards to my nose every night. As if they stayed up all night and worked their spells to make my snoring go away. I know this is crazy but I really had no idea how they worked.

I then thought it was maybe some sort of drug but this was faulted as soon as I read the box. Then I thought it might be some sort of psychological phenomenon. Like the strip makes your mind think that it is better and you breathe better. This is crazier then the wizards but just as wrong.

Apparently the strips have small metal bands in them that want to stay straight. So when the strong adhesive sticks to your nose it forces those bands to pull your nasal cavity open. Therefore allowing for you to breathe normal and not snore.

So I am sad that there are no wizards involved but I think I will live knowing that I can breathe right and no longer snore.

Why Skyrim Is Better Than America

Recently the Governor of Washington introduced a bill into the state legislature that would allow for gays and lesbians to finally get married. This is something that has been a long time coming and for a few reasons. Yet as soon as it was announced there were people proposing bills in the legislature that would define marriage as between a man and a woman. These people are idiots. I have every right to say that because it is an undeniable fact.

First let's talk about how Skyrim is better than America in this aspect. In Skyrim I just got married and it was a same-sex marriage. I did this mostly because he is a blacksmith and I can now get free weapons and armor not because I have an urge to marry a dude. I didn't have to jump through hoops to get him to marry me either. Neither did people think me a defiler of the sanctity of marriage. The people of Skyrim actually seemed overjoyed that we had finally found love together. So if a video game, based in a medieval world, can allow same-sex marriage why can't America?

The idiots make and argument that marriage is between a man and a woman because the bible says so. The people who want same-sex marriage say this is a blatant violation of separation of church and state but I think the matter is so much deeper then that. This is not an issue of religious values dictating policy this is an issue of religious beliefs of some being foisted on the backs of the all. A major factor in the creation of America is the right for every person to believe in the religion of their choice. So by stating that we must make laws based on the bible would be in direct violation of that inalienable right that America is based on. So how do the opponents of gay marriage not see this?

They say that this will lead to things like polygamy and marriage to animals. Yet marriage is a union between two people. Why would we ever let someone marry their dog or cat. Animals are seen as property and therefore marrying your dog or cat would be like marrying your television. They could also argue that it could lead to the marriage of adults to children. This is something we would never allow. Children are the most protected class of citizen and there is no way anyone would ever think it okay to propose a law to allow lecherous old men to marry little 10 year old girls. If some guy did that he would be shot on site.

So let's recap. Skyrim allows same-sex marriage without all the hassle and discrimination. It has nothing to do with separation of church and state and is all about religious freedom. Lastly we will never allow someone the right to marry their television so why allow them the right to marry their dog.